Random Thoughts Throughout the Year

Think of my past and accept my faults, hope for the future and be glad for what will happen, live for the moment and see the joy in every second...

Scrambled thoughts and scrambled times lead to a free flow of expression of thought. The insight I give you in the following free flow script will be almost as much as I could give you through written language if not all I can give you. My thoughts are erratic, various and inconsistent in some issues. I am still trying to find my answers to the world, or at least what I think I could know, I will never know it all and am not attempting that but I want to know about as much as possible and have thoughts on everything that I can possible think of. I love thought, it gives me something to do to fill all the gaps in life in which there are moments of nothingness.

Life is a mystery. Things in this world happen and the reasons don't seem to be right or don't seem to be there at all. I constantly question the things in the world that I interact with. Its not bad is it, its how I choose to live. To want to know, to ask questions, to think about the situations, to constantly and whole heartily let my curiosity guide me.

Everything interests me. From the simplest situation and question to the most perplexing and complex phenomenon. The mysteriousness of life, the mystery of the universe and the mysterious way in which the human being reacts and views his or her world. It is astounding to me. I want to know about it, I want to question it, I want to know what makes anything do anything. Although the human seems to be the consumption of most of my thought right now. Women are an even more strange creature that boggles and captivates my attention. How they see the world, how they react to given situations, how it seems to be in their nature for their emotions to run their thoughts and their lives. I have seen it personally how women seem to distort reality and shape it to drive their emotions, or their emotions drive their necessity to distort reality in order to fuel the emotion. I have had many instances where my sisters and my mother have taken a situation and added to it and distorted it so that it would further the emotion they were feeling. One clear example is when I overheard my sister and my brother talking, my brother was in a calm mood and addressed a thing that my sister had done that was a little stupid but he was calm and relaxed and tried to approach the situation in an appropriate manner. My sister seemed to dismiss his comments and then raised her voice and my brother became angry and just ended the conversation. A few hours later my sister began talking about how my brother was a dick to her and was yelling at her for what happened and that he didn't deserve to say anything. To which I replied that I was there, I had heard the whole conversation and that he didn't yell he was just trying to bring up the reasons why she had done it in the most calm and relaxed way he could. The distortion and level of distortion astonished me. I know everyone does this, not only women; it happens when our emotions drive our actions. It just seems that women tend to be driven by their emotions by a different degree and usually a much stronger degree then men are. It usually is different situations that drive the same emotions and men can be easily driven by their emotions.

I can't stop my thought process, I go a little crazy sometimes because I can't escape my thoughts. Thinking is just what my brain does all the time and about every thing possible. The only times I can stop is when I'm really into a song. That's the only time my brain really shuts off, or at least relaxes.

None of my thoughts seem to ever be finished. I just jump from one thing to another. The ability to pursue something to the end is not in my abilities yet. Will it ever be? I don't know. I'll try to change that about me, but it just seems that my mind wants to wander and wander and go from one thing to another to keep my interest. Its my form of ADD. I know I have it but I think I've found my own way around it. If I pay attention to one thing and then go off in space when I think I can spare a moment of attention and go off on some tangent in my brain. I do this god know how many times, always returning but always going away. Purposely distracting myself in order to pay attention. If I don't I'll fall asleep or permanently get lost in tangent thought.

My anxiety will kill me one day. My will is not strong enough to fully overcome the things that my anxiety chains me down on. It is so overwhelming for me to try to tackle it on my own. Thank god I have people around me who are willing to work with me and help me overcome and step over my shortcomings. They are helping me live my life to its fullest and trying to let me live as happy as possible. All I can do is show that I appreciate them. I'll try to help in anyway I can. I'll help with what I have and hope that they feel I helped them and are there for them as much as I feel there are there for me. It helps to try to find a way to express yourself. I know that when you have difficulty expressing yourself that its hard for those around you who want to help you to help. We don't want to tell you what to do but try to help you figure out what to do. We want to help each other live our lives and be as happy as possible however it is that you see that. It is difficult to see those you care about struggling and going through the worst of what life can throw at you, we only want to help lift some of that weight off of your shoulders so that you can find a way to handle things and move on. You are my friends, you are my brothers and my sisters, I only wish the best for all of you, for you to live your life the way you want and as happy as you see fit. If i've met you even once in my life I hope your life is filled with joy and you accomplish in your life what you set. If i've never met you then I hope your miserable, ha ha; I want everyone to have the best lives possible, no happiness out of ignorance, no denial of your past. Accept your past and learn from your experiences, plan your future but don't let it take over your life, live for the moment, live in the present, the present is the only thing that is real. 12-7-09

On B

I want to be able to explain myself:

this is an explanation of the situation into which I have put myself with a woman, well a girl, based off of her personality and how she carries herself. Lets call this woman B, that's what I'll refer to her as from this point on. I will begin with an explanation as to who I think B is, then go on to explain why I like her, then what my intentions were and are, and any other thing that comes into my mind as I am writing.
So here is an explanation of her through my perspective. She is 17 years old and going to be 18 at the point in which I'm writing this, she is about 5'4'' blue eyes, white, dark blonde hair. She has very pretty face, nice body, great ass, small boobs, and good waist. Very very pretty, out of my league completely. She has a new yorker, Boston accent, very light but noticeable. I don't recall if she has the dark blue ring in her eyes but I think she has it, but its thin. She wears her hair in two different styles that I can remember, up and back and then up and to the sides, I much prefer the one that is up and back, she also has that pomp hair thing in the front. She has small fat lips that I can remember, soft skin, her voice is not very high, but not deep, kind of mid range on female voice range. Now about her personality, she is very childish, she is ignorant of a lot of things, or at least plays it, probably both but more of the first. She knows sign language very well and absolutely despises math, to which I love. Not very trivia knowledgeable, except when it comes to sex and sexual things. She is very hyper-sexual but more of flirty sexual. At least with me, she has ridden me, with clothes on, I've dry humped her, I've fingered her, both above and beneath clothing, she has jerked me off but over the pants and has put her mouth on my dick, but again over the pants. She is very controlling, and she likes to hit me in the balls or dick, or at least that whole region. She is very bold with her jokes, a lot of racist humor. She seems to like attention, on being the center of attention, but I've had moments with her where my attention was enough. She moans when she wants to play with me. If I begin to mess with her and bug her she will go along at first and then begin to moan and make sexual noises to win and have me stop. She knows she has control of me and uses that. Of her intentions with me I don't know. She seems to be very close to me and usually would stay close with me, she has slept in my arms several times, to which I like very much. She says she is dying, she complains of her heart and lungs hurting very frequently. She says that her dad abuses her, that her mom is a bitch and so is her sister. Nothing that I've seen has confirmed the last sentence but I still hold what she says at face value but I have my doubts. Not that she is lying but exaggerating the truth. She likes to watch porn. She calls me her Mexican. She listens to hip-hop, rap, that I know of. She doesn't like a lot of the calming and relaxing music that I like. She listens to music and texts people when she is bored. She does plan to go to college for sign language.
What I like and don't like about her. I like her sexual nature. I have found out, well confirmed that I like some level of being controlled by a woman. I like when she tells me what to do and commands me. I don't like how she hits me in the balls constantly. When she tries and doesn't actually hit them, I get some sick kicks from it which I don't really understand why I like it but I do. I absolutely love(at least sexually) the look she gives me, a sexual look when she kind of lowers her head and looks up at me. My friends believe I only like her because of my penis, I think that's a part but hopefully I can actually show that its not all that. I like how bold she is with her jokes. I can see that she is smart and has great potential to know a lot but she doesn't apply herself, to which I don't like. She can tell a decent story, she can captivate me with her words, which I like. She doesn't talk much in new situations unless she is addressed which is similar to how I am. I like when she sleeps in my arms. This one I can't explain but I love being in the same room with her, just her in the room, being with her, I am unbelievably content, I don't have to speak, she doesn't have to speak just being with her makes me happy, a happy I don't know. She plays along with me when I fake slap her in the face, or poke her, although she does turn it against me when I do it too much. I love her smile and her laugh. When she giggles its so fucking adorable. She likes to choke me and to pass the comfort zone of submissions for some reason and it scares me a little. I think she connects my little kid inside with the dirty old man, and that I like. When I'm around her I don't feel like doing anything else then just hanging out with her.
My friends perceptions of her; they think she is a liar, or at least an exaggerator, they think she is rude, I get the impression that they don't think she is good enough for me, they think she mistreats me, they don't understand how I let her do what she does to me, they believe I'm being lead by my dick, they have said that the only reason they would let her hang out with the group is because of me, and if she was just a friend of Spencer's that they wouldn't really want her to come over to the group, that she is very quiet or at least makes bad impressions, that she loves attention from all the guys in a group, likes group dynamics where there is a lot going on-media entertainment, I get the impression that they don't want me to pursue her.
Now my intentions are very simply to date her. I want to be her boyfriend. I do want to fuck her, and fuck the shit out of her. But when I first met her I was told by her that she was going to die in 6 months and that didn't scare me away from pursuing a relationship. I want to love her but I'm afraid to. Because of what she has shown me, that she can be very sexual and then switch it off instantly which my mind translates to, me and her in a relationship and doing fine and then she just switches and ends it for no reason and then I will get hurt, really hurt. So for now I guard myself against her. But the idea of loving her and really getting close to her doesn't scare me. I was preparing myself to stay with her to her deathbed and going through all that pain, that pain of loss; I was willing to love her, and love her unconditionally. Now I'm nervous about it, I don't know her intentions with me and I don't know what she wants from me and I'm also afraid to find out, I don't want to ask because of what the answer will be. But even if we were together I can't see it lasting. Maybe 2 months, maybe 2 years but I don't see it going the distance but I see a lot of potential, potential for the good and potential for the bad; she will test me, bad or good I don't know. I'm am also nervous that if the question of what is our relationship at this moment or what it will be will lead to me burning the bridge with her and us not being friends which I don't like the idea of, but I want to be more then friends with her, I want to be more then just a fuck buddy, I want to be with her, in a relationship, I want to love her.
On the confusing things about her. Although I don't know her intentions with me she does seem to stick near me whenever I'm around. If I leave to one room, she would follow, if I go and sit in one area she would follow. Although this has only happened when I invited her somewhere and when we were at a friends house or in a completely new setting, I don't know how's she be if she was around more of her friends and I will find that out soon. She also seems hurt when I was slightly indecisive about not going to something that she is throwing, although she played it as if it was no big deal I get the hint that she was hurt by my mention that I wouldn't go or that I would leave early.
I think that may be it. So far that's what I got, that 1 hour of thinking and writing about this girl, about B. I don't know what I'm going to do, my decision for now is to roll along, is to just go with the flow and see where it takes me and hope for the best, I have my guards up but I don't want them up. But B is the Puppet Keeper and I am the Puppet.

… New update- So I found out her intentions, not good for me. She just wanted to be friends and it hurt a little but I got over it pretty quickly. I ended up burning the bridge a little not out of spite but more of the fact that the more I thought of it the only reason I liked hanging out with her was because of her sexual nature. I tried denying it, and yes she does have some redeeming qualities but I think it was almost all sexual and be trying to excuse it. I figured out at least I think I have, that its just her personality type. She just loves that kind of attention, and she doesn't necessarily want anything other then the attention, which I wished I knew when I was in the situation I was in. Now I'm in pursuit of someone new. Someone I've known for awhile, I like her, I like who she is not who she could be which seems to be a big folly of mine. I see myself ruining the opportunity with her, lets call her J. Some part of me will not let it happen or fuck up, or actually misrepresent what is there. My friend who's pretty good at spotting when women give the “signs” has said that she likes me so that's really the only thing that really secures the idea that I could actually try and do something with J. I would like to date her and have a good time. Well since this started with B and I should end it with B. She is a friend, now more of an acquaintance. I will have my memories about her and she will probably have some about me but what happens in the future is whatever happens, I wish her the best and hope she can find a way to live as happy as possible.

The Women in My Life

I just got the spark to write this;

The women in my life, more specifically my sisters and my mother. I thank them for everything they have done in my life. They helped shape the man I am today. The thought of them and what they mean to me brings tears to my eyes. They are part of my world, a part that will never go away and a part I would give my life to secure.

My sister have shown me the strengths and the weaknesses of women, that women are people and are no different in any way then a man is. Women are strong, violent, independent, gross, emotional, and loving. My devotion to women is in part thanks to them, my willingness to help, to save and be there for them at any time, at any given moment comes from my love of my sisters.

My mom has shown me that being a man does not mean to hide your emotions and shelter yourself from everyone but to accept your emotions and yourself and let it all be a part of who you are and who you will be. She has shown me that your weakness and naive nature is overcome by your strengths and you are only the person who you accept to be and shut out what everyone else tells you, you are.

The women in my life have made me who I am, for that I respect them, for that I love them, for that I would do anything I can for them. Women are still mysterious creatures, it is hard to read and to understand them but it is life to try to figure them out.

Love, New Conception

It seems my conception of love just keeps changing and changing. Before my second semester of college I had some idea of what love was but I never really thought about it. I just thought you'd know it when you felt it. I never thought about trying to understand it and just left it as this ideal, this just unexplainable feeling that can't truly be figured out or understood. Then in my second semester of college I had a philosophy teacher by the name of Mr. Sanders. I only had him for intro to philosophy but his insight into certain subjects was rather captivating. There are many subjects now that in the way I think are influenced by his thought, not that I blindly accepted what he said but I tried to find flaws in his reason and accepted the ideas based on his reasons. Now to get back on the subject at hand he had given his explanation of what love was and I thought it was pretty good and accepted it on a temporary basis because I still needed to work through his reasons and the idea behind his conception of love. His idea was that love isn't about yourself. Love is not selfish, it is when you are concerned about the other person to whom you love above yourself. You don't want them to be sad because its them you care about, you make them happy not to make you happy but because knowing they are happy is all that concerns you. I can't fully explain it because I'm still adjusting to the idea. Its a rather shocking concept but I think it is good. The way I've simplified it for myself was that you are concerned about the other person more then yourself. Now when I brought this concept up to one of my friends who does have his own insight in the world that is rather remarkable, his name is Chris. Chris's concepts and ideas I don't always agree with but he has the ability that most people don't, he can give reasons and rational reasons to explain what he believes and why he believes it. But when I brought up the idea he looked shocked and disagreed with the concept. He said that doesn't work because you can't say that your goal is your reason, you can't want to make someone happy because it'll make them happy. So that makes sense. When it came to the concern portion of this idea of love he said that nobody does anything for someone else there is a drive that when you make someone happy it makes you happy. His argument was that everybody does everything to make them happy or at least content, or something along those lines. I disagreed because I don't think people are selfish all the time, maybe most of the time but not all; but that is for another discussion.

But anyway the true point of this essay is that I think I've poked a hole in the concept of love that my teacher spoke of. The idea came to me when I was showering, I thought of the wife in the Truman Show. She married Truman and pretended to be his wife to make him happy and her concern was him; her reasons were for her “job” but she still fills the concept that your concern is of the other person. This is a little far out but it is a thought experiment which usually are a little outrageous in their conceptions. Thinking of this there could be other reasons that make someone legitimately care for the concerns and happiness of another person more then themselves but they probably do not enjoy it and regret it, like the wife in the Truman Show, does that still qualify as love. Yes I think it does, at least in the concept that my teacher gave because the reasons were not clearly stated as why you have concern of the other person over yourself.

This led me to rethink love, I am not a fan of any of the “all” ideas, people are selfish all the time, there is an all knowing, all loving, and all wise being; I don't like “all” concepts and yet I let one slip by, your are always concerned about the other person above yourself. So I think now the concept of love has at least two concepts; you are concerned about the other person above yourself and you are with that person because they make you feel better, happier or content. Neither one over powers the other they are both necessary. This rules out the wife in the Truman Show because she might not have been happy or felt better while being with Truman. So that is what I believe are two parts of the concept of love, there may be more to it but for now those are the ones I understand.

The Woods

The air is musty, the trees are old, this part of the forest is so enclosing. I feel like I'm lost in ancient lands were demons, monsters, giants, imps, sprites, goblins all still roam. The area seems to repeat but keep its differences. As I walk further into these ancient dwellers I'm more and more disoriented. The area around me seems to become darker and darker. Light, bright there is a shine a faint glow of gold that catches my eye. It seems to bring me out of my disoriented state. There it is, laying on the flow, the ground around it bare, and the ancient trees like pillars encircling. New questions arise, as I stand to view this glorious sight, the fog of my mind is growing worse. I seem to be stuck looking at this object without realizing I have picked it up this idol and rotating and checking every square inch of this entrancing gold object. Further and further I fall into a trance. Sudden noise, I'm broken out of my fogged state of mind, I look around this dense jungle. I'm holding out this idol at arms length. I then begin to bring it closer lost further and further by its ability to captivate my mind. Further noises, these are different closer. I drop the idol. On my toes I look, I back away hiding in the pillars shadows. Gazing upon my lost idol. There is a wild man, who encroaches the bare ground where the idol lies, he looks around eyes afire, wondering why his idol has moved. He picked it up, gazing at it, and gently places it in the center, quickly gazing from left to right. His guard is up, that idol is lost. I look at the idol, it seems to have lost its glow, its there but its faint, the glow is focused on this new man. I panic, and begin to run out of these lost woods. I'm breaking branches, scraping my skin, running at a furious pace, I fall and hit the ground tumbling. Why am I running, my thoughts don't change my actions, I'm still running, faster and faster, I see daylight, that gold glow was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, the last ten feet, out, flood of light, I'm blinded by the daylight and yet I feel free yet more trapped then ever before.

On My Potential

In an earlier writing I said that I needed to reach my full potential before I can truly help others. Well now the question in my mind is what is my full potential. Am I there already, what do I need to do to get there, what actually would be my full potential and will I actually be able to get there.

What is full potential? In my mind fulfilling your potential is kind of like fulfilling life goals. Not all life goals but those of knowledge and of your future career. To me its hard to explain what your full potential is. I think part of it is your personality and your character, being the best person you can be, knowing your limitations and being able to stand for your beliefs and ideals as well as being able to give reason for your beliefs. It wouldn't be being the wisest you could be because I don't think that is a possibility because you can always learn and become wiser. Its when you are reasonably comfortable with the person you are. When you reach a point in your life that you reasonably believe that you have become your true self and accomplished what you have set out to accomplish.

Now what is my full potential. I guess it would be when I reach the level of ability in art that I want to be at and when I find myself again. Finding myself is the challenge to which I am not sure how to reach, I know I need more life experience and more time for self reflection but there is more to do then just that in order to puzzle together the pieces of my mind. The level of artist I want to reach is something to which I pretty much know how to go about getting there, its gonna take a lot of time and effort on my part to reach the level I want to reach but I know how to get there.

Now am I there now, no. My art ability is good but not where I want it to be or where it needs to be. There is still so much more time and much more to learn before I am where my potential is at art. Now in myself and my character I don't think I'm at my potential at all. I think I may be close, at least closer then most people but that doesn't mean I'm any where near my potential. There is still so much more for me to learn about myself and so much more for me to become a complete person, I still need time and effort to be able to get to where I want to be, and getting rid of my self-doubt and cowardice has to be one of the first things I have to do.

I kind of forgot what I was going to write about and forgot some of the points I was gonna make but this covers it pretty well. All for another day and another blog.

I know I write too much, well I write in spurts and this will probably end when summer ends or when I longer have time to write. I like the idea of writing and getting it all out but the other question is why do I post it online. Well I don't know I could keep a private journal so that the very personal topics I do write about will stay with me, well I just don't know. I like the idea of being able to track the progress of my thought throughout time and it being online makes my thoughts somehow permanent. The main reason is that I can keep track of the erratic nature of my thought and if there just so happens to be a reader who follows these blogs which are really just my thoughts, they know full well how I can think one way and then change completely the next, weird, but I need to elaborate on this some other time...

Right Now

Okay now I have time to write again. This is after a pretty long discussion about me and about the things that are going on in my life, between me and my friends. There are things in my personality that I might have to change, not to drastic degrees but enough that it would no longer be self-destructive.

First there is this concept in my head that the people I love, this means just my family right now because those the the only people I love, that I hold myself as having less worth then they do. I have the idea that if I could sacrifice myself to make them happier I would. Apparently that is a self-destructive behavior, I kind of see that but not really, I guess I just have to tone down the degree to which I'd sacrifice and go with what one of my friends told me which is go to my full potential first so that I have a better opportunity to help and my sacrifice would be after I have reached my potential.

There is also my cowardice or my self-doubt. I seem to just have an inability to do certain things and usually it applies to my endeavors into romance that I concede to others and don't do the “competition” for compassion that, not in those words, my friend has said is the dating world. I guess I just never wanted to be with a girl to whom I have to compete to get because in competition I feel that a person is fake, they try to be something they are not and I never wanted to be with a girl to whom I have to compete or be fake for. Then again I got encouragement from my friends and I know myself that I am a damn good guy myself, and just letting aspects of myself out will be my form or competition. Well we'll see if that works out.

Now there is this girl, I don't know what it is about her, maybe I'm just obsessing. Probably. I think I figured out what happening. She is really smart, quirky, laughs at my jokes, catches me off guard, and I like all those things about her but I think I just like them. She still has to grow up, not that she isn't mature she is but she's just not there yet. I love her potential, yeah love, pretty sure its that, I love who she could be, a self assertive, strong, mature, smart, quirky, humorous, “catch me off guard”, woman; and that's what I love.

Right now I'm still not sure. She seems to be attached to someone else right now and I'd like to say I'm not bitter about it, I am a little but not that much. I just get disappointed sometimes that it seems that I could never get that great girl, that its always someone who gets her, I feel I'm deserving, but that just my ego talking. Right now my role is to be her friend, yeah, sucks for me but I think she needs that more from me then anything else and I think that the best role I can be right now.

Life is a mystery, its crazy twists and turns are what makes it interesting and devastating, all we can do is to continue to walk those paths before us and hope that when we reach the end of the road that the things we are glad we did outweigh the things we regret.