In my thoughts again, thinking over past events and reliving them in my head I always think how things could be different. The one thing I thought of again is the time that I was so very duped and confused lust for love.
There was a moment in my past in which an unnamed female was deeply involved in my life and I was glad for it. I loved talking with her, being with her and I loved everything about her, at least I thought I did. I even went as far as telling her I love her, which I normally don’t do because I have a raised distinction of love, I don’t even believe I have ever experienced love so I never usually say it to girls I’m involved with.
But alas it seems that all my emotions were confused and jumbled because of my libido, that godforsaken appendage that hangs between my legs and leads me in directions and thoughts I would rather not go to, but given the chance I would still live with it then without it. It seems that with time I began to realize that I liked very little of this unnamed female, her laugh was annoying, her music sucked, she wasn’t that funny, she was even to goofy for me, and i began to realize why it was I “fell” for her in the first place. It was because she talked dirty to me. Yes, yes I had my dick confuse my emotions and I mistook love for lust. In time I realized the only reason I liked her was because she made me horny…. Such a sad time in my past and I hope I never fall for it again, but alas I believe that it will happen again…..
…. This new one, well relatively new; is it her personality I adore, her laugh, her smile, her humor, her general person that I am fond of and have fallen for. Or can it be that my brain is confused again, her rack, her caboose, her body; have I fallen for that, confused my emotions and I cannot distinguish whether it is her physical form I’m after or her soul and mind. Or her gaze, has she cast a veil over my reality and stunned my very thoughts with her eyes, her gaze has caught me, in a web, stuck, struggling, thinking of how it came to be, what had brought me to this point, this trance she has induced has snared me so….
Maybe like everything else in my life I am over thinking this situation. Maybe I do like some aspects of this new huntress whose caught me in her trap, or am I too delirious and dumb to realize that it maybe just a crush and simple little thing and not as much as I make it seem. I don’t know, I don’t understand my own emotions, I believe I understand my self but my emotions are on a whole different level of self realization. Well only time will tell and if time has been like it has in the past I will be thinking over again the events that have played out and how they could be different.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Math and Language; This is My Opinion
(this is an expression of thought done in leisurely time with no second thought on double checking and revising, there is no need for that in my mind because I am not really publishing it and there is not need to have every grammatical error fixed and accounted for, just enjoy where this train of thought leads your brain athinkin and hope you have your own feeling of expressing your opinion. Good day and see you when I see you.)
It seems that a new thought has arrived in my head and needs further thought and a more critical thought that I believe can only be obtained in the process of writing. Now then since I have gone throughout my whole education as a gifted student and that in my high school I was in the school for advanced studies or as it is better known the SAS, I would have to assume that discussions in my classes between the students and the teachers were on higher levels then you would expect there to be in many normal classes; this being said in some of these discussions a full argument can occur by just stating something and having the students runt through the different justifications of the statement within their own head with no discussion between the two opposing persons with their individual statements. In my classes there were two teachers that both contented their subject was of the utmost importance, both being overzealous individuals of their particular subjects; these teachers seemed to live and thrive off of their respected subjects. One of these teachers was a man by the name of Leigh Clark, or as a student must address him Dr. Clark, which out of respect I will address him, he being an English teacher; the other teacher is a man by the name of Daniel Perez, or Mr. Perez, out of respect I will address him as such, he was a Mathematics teacher. Although my favorite subject is Mathematics and I rather enjoyed my class with Mr. Perez more then that of Dr. Clark I will try to make this argument with little or no personal opinion as possible and try to give as much evidence to support my claim as possible, but given that this is an argument it will be my opinion and as much as I would like to make it unbiased, there really is no unbiased argument.
Now the subject at hand is that in the course of the year it seemed that some student had sparked the discussion as to which subject was better, this student I have forgotten and who they are is insignificant for this argument. Now both of these teachers have stated that their subject is more important and that they both can prove it in their own terms. Now they both had brought up good points as to why their subject was better but their support and evidence I have either forgotten or in my own thought over the subject I have merged into my own opinion.
To begin this discussion I must tell you that I am in agreement with my Mathematics teacher in that Math is more important but, I must in all fairness discuss thoroughly why I believe this and I feel that in order to do so I must first share the importance of English.
English, well to better put it the subject must be clarified, although we are discussing English I cannot just have the subject so narrow as to one language so I will discuss language in itself. Language is what Dr. Clark defended as the most important aspect of life and the world, the most important subject. I do not doubt that language is a fundamental part of human society in fact without it we would have no society. Language necessity is vital to our existence. Language offers us humans the most basic need for proper and complex transference of information between one another. With it we can discuss the very abstract and the very simple. In its very broad sense it is simply the very way in which we relay information to one another. That is what language is, the ability for a people to communicate to each other in a coherent enough manner to relay information that is both miniscule and vital. Through language the complex and simple are very easily transferred from person to person, who of course, have to have close to the same amount of understanding of language or that particular language.
So again in all its glory language is simply a form of communication, in actuality it is communication; any form of communication can be interpreted as a form of language and thus here is the beginning of an argument that was brought up as to why Mathematics is a lesser subject. It was said that math cannot be explained without the use of language and the information obtained through mathematical principles cannot be conveyed without language and this I say is true. For us humans Mathematics can only be useful through Language and so it would seem that Language deserves top honor over Mathematics; but to me this is a mistake, it is only seen this way because the person who would make this argument is looking at Math through a limited scope. If English can be broadened out to Language and any form of communication can be interpreted as a language then how far are we to push the interpretation of what math encompasses.
To me there is only one way to think of this, since language is so generalized then when bringing math into the discussion we cannot simply look at math as a subject in school or a part of an experiment but in its broadest sense. Math in itself is the very code of the universe, and in the classroom we only discuss certain aspects of the “code of the universe” such as algebra, physics, calculus and other subjects in mathematics. All these just help give us an understanding of the relation of gravity (if I knew how to write the math equation out for gravity and other laws in mathematics I would), objects, and other variables in our universe. Math in the sense as we know it in school is only the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand mathematics in its truest sense and math in the lab and in experiments are only there to gain a further understanding of the “code of the universe.”
So mathematics goes beyond anything we can fathom, it is the very building blocks of everything that is in existence and ever will be. The math subjects we study are only the humans current understanding of what, why and how this happen in our universe. Math in the form of physics is how stars were born, how the galaxy was formed how the universe itself was formed, and how you yourself were formed. Just because we do no understand or can properly form our own interpretation as to why certain events happen doesn’t mean there isn’t some form of mathematical principle behind it. As one of my friends said, Jeff Gomez, there is no such thing as random, if you were to through a die in the air and the out come was to be “random,” there is a way to know what the outcome is exactly. If you were to freeze that die in air and calculate the velocity of the die, the air resistance, amount of force on impact with the ground, the exact level of the ground, take into account gravity and whatever forces are in existence you can calculate exactly what face that die was to land on, so in actuality there is no such thing as random, it is just so complex and difficult to take into account all of those variables that we just label it, through the use of language, as “random.”
Now to finish my argument, language is a necessity to us humans and any other form of life in order to build a society or any other complex way of life. Language is there for our communication need and is necessary, but even without language and without humans math is still there and is still necessary. The “code of the universe” is what rules over everything, it is the reason the earth orbits the sun, the moon orbits the earth, why your feet stay planted on the ground, and how you are in existence, math is not a subject alone it is the great how, how the universe works and how this whole plane of existence we are on thrives and continues on its path.
It seems that a new thought has arrived in my head and needs further thought and a more critical thought that I believe can only be obtained in the process of writing. Now then since I have gone throughout my whole education as a gifted student and that in my high school I was in the school for advanced studies or as it is better known the SAS, I would have to assume that discussions in my classes between the students and the teachers were on higher levels then you would expect there to be in many normal classes; this being said in some of these discussions a full argument can occur by just stating something and having the students runt through the different justifications of the statement within their own head with no discussion between the two opposing persons with their individual statements. In my classes there were two teachers that both contented their subject was of the utmost importance, both being overzealous individuals of their particular subjects; these teachers seemed to live and thrive off of their respected subjects. One of these teachers was a man by the name of Leigh Clark, or as a student must address him Dr. Clark, which out of respect I will address him, he being an English teacher; the other teacher is a man by the name of Daniel Perez, or Mr. Perez, out of respect I will address him as such, he was a Mathematics teacher. Although my favorite subject is Mathematics and I rather enjoyed my class with Mr. Perez more then that of Dr. Clark I will try to make this argument with little or no personal opinion as possible and try to give as much evidence to support my claim as possible, but given that this is an argument it will be my opinion and as much as I would like to make it unbiased, there really is no unbiased argument.
Now the subject at hand is that in the course of the year it seemed that some student had sparked the discussion as to which subject was better, this student I have forgotten and who they are is insignificant for this argument. Now both of these teachers have stated that their subject is more important and that they both can prove it in their own terms. Now they both had brought up good points as to why their subject was better but their support and evidence I have either forgotten or in my own thought over the subject I have merged into my own opinion.
To begin this discussion I must tell you that I am in agreement with my Mathematics teacher in that Math is more important but, I must in all fairness discuss thoroughly why I believe this and I feel that in order to do so I must first share the importance of English.
English, well to better put it the subject must be clarified, although we are discussing English I cannot just have the subject so narrow as to one language so I will discuss language in itself. Language is what Dr. Clark defended as the most important aspect of life and the world, the most important subject. I do not doubt that language is a fundamental part of human society in fact without it we would have no society. Language necessity is vital to our existence. Language offers us humans the most basic need for proper and complex transference of information between one another. With it we can discuss the very abstract and the very simple. In its very broad sense it is simply the very way in which we relay information to one another. That is what language is, the ability for a people to communicate to each other in a coherent enough manner to relay information that is both miniscule and vital. Through language the complex and simple are very easily transferred from person to person, who of course, have to have close to the same amount of understanding of language or that particular language.
So again in all its glory language is simply a form of communication, in actuality it is communication; any form of communication can be interpreted as a form of language and thus here is the beginning of an argument that was brought up as to why Mathematics is a lesser subject. It was said that math cannot be explained without the use of language and the information obtained through mathematical principles cannot be conveyed without language and this I say is true. For us humans Mathematics can only be useful through Language and so it would seem that Language deserves top honor over Mathematics; but to me this is a mistake, it is only seen this way because the person who would make this argument is looking at Math through a limited scope. If English can be broadened out to Language and any form of communication can be interpreted as a language then how far are we to push the interpretation of what math encompasses.
To me there is only one way to think of this, since language is so generalized then when bringing math into the discussion we cannot simply look at math as a subject in school or a part of an experiment but in its broadest sense. Math in itself is the very code of the universe, and in the classroom we only discuss certain aspects of the “code of the universe” such as algebra, physics, calculus and other subjects in mathematics. All these just help give us an understanding of the relation of gravity (if I knew how to write the math equation out for gravity and other laws in mathematics I would), objects, and other variables in our universe. Math in the sense as we know it in school is only the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand mathematics in its truest sense and math in the lab and in experiments are only there to gain a further understanding of the “code of the universe.”
So mathematics goes beyond anything we can fathom, it is the very building blocks of everything that is in existence and ever will be. The math subjects we study are only the humans current understanding of what, why and how this happen in our universe. Math in the form of physics is how stars were born, how the galaxy was formed how the universe itself was formed, and how you yourself were formed. Just because we do no understand or can properly form our own interpretation as to why certain events happen doesn’t mean there isn’t some form of mathematical principle behind it. As one of my friends said, Jeff Gomez, there is no such thing as random, if you were to through a die in the air and the out come was to be “random,” there is a way to know what the outcome is exactly. If you were to freeze that die in air and calculate the velocity of the die, the air resistance, amount of force on impact with the ground, the exact level of the ground, take into account gravity and whatever forces are in existence you can calculate exactly what face that die was to land on, so in actuality there is no such thing as random, it is just so complex and difficult to take into account all of those variables that we just label it, through the use of language, as “random.”
Now to finish my argument, language is a necessity to us humans and any other form of life in order to build a society or any other complex way of life. Language is there for our communication need and is necessary, but even without language and without humans math is still there and is still necessary. The “code of the universe” is what rules over everything, it is the reason the earth orbits the sun, the moon orbits the earth, why your feet stay planted on the ground, and how you are in existence, math is not a subject alone it is the great how, how the universe works and how this whole plane of existence we are on thrives and continues on its path.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Not Quite up to the Challenge
This is my log for my own sleep deprivation experiment, i didn't stay up for nearly as long as i wanted to but for the first attempt i think i did pretty well. I will try again later and hopefully i can stay up longer and get better results.
The experiment lasted roughly 28 hours. So i was awake for 28 hours straight. Right now i am running on 3 hours of sleep. So in the past 34 to 36 hours i have been asleep for 3 of those hours. I feel asleep at the 28 hour mark and after three hours i woke up again and haven't fell back to sleep. But the time rested in those 3 hours has made my experiment invalid so i must stop the experiment and wait alittle to fully recover and begin again.
this is my log:
Sleep deprivation log.
Day 1: okay so this is my first day in my own sleep deprivation experiment. Well actually I have been awake for about 10 to 12 hours already and have decided that I will now begin my experiment. There are no major motor function disruptions yet and there are no hallucinations, although that occurs after 3 or 4 days of sleep deprivation so there would be little chance that I would experience that. I am having some trouble typing but I think that is because I don’t type often. So now lets see where this take me.
As of now I have really done nothing in the day except I cleaned around the house a little I watched the NBA playoff game and I made cookies… they tasted pretty goooood.
(time was roughly 1:30 a.m. sat)
For now I will test myself for my cognitive ability by playing the game text twist which is a game that tests vocabulary. So my average score now is 4980 at time 2:00 a.m. out of five games.
Just reporting in, it is the hour 16, assuming, that I have been in this experiment. I know Jeff has told me to do a video log because of loss of motor skills and such but I only plan to do 4 days. I don’t feel like pushing it to the limit anytime soon, the only reason I am doing this is to experience the hallucinations. I think I will be doing more damage to my body and brain then taking a hallucinogen.
Yahoo game test score at 16 hours. Average score of 5: 3224; I seem to already be dropping. Oh well lets see if the trend continues.
Nearing on hour 20 or so I begin to think that maybe hallucinations caused by lack of sleep are somehow related to the need to dream. Maybe the dream center of the brain, our memories and whatever else consist of making a dream a dream are overactive in conscious person who does not allow them to release or relax, whatever be the case. If we try to deprive ourselves of sleep maybe those centers of our brain demand that they have their time so the visions we would normally see in a dream we would see when we are awake and we would call these abstractions and flutters of reality hallucinations….
Day 2: I am, what I have to believe is my second day, well I’m just starting it. By my own estimations I have been awake for 24 hours. Thought is alittle slowed but my motor skills don’t seemed impaired. Typing is still really easy although there is numbness and slight “tingly” feeling in my arms. I cannot lay down because I begin to drift in and out. I have to either be sitting or standing and remaining active. If I begin to slow my pace I feel like sleeping. I have already reached the point where I want to stop and then sleep for a good 2 to 3 hours or more. I am trying to fight it but I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this experiment. I know I can go at least another 12 hours. I have a very unusual hunger pain. It is almost a sleepy hunger. As I feel hungry I feel sleepy but when I put something in my gut, even something small like a banana I feel more awake.
Yahoo game test score at 24 hour. (YGT 24) 1812.my vision tilted while playing the game so I think the sleep deprivation is really starting to effect me. It just occurred to me that some of the levels of the game are not scored the same or have the same amount of points possible so a control test is necessary after I get a good amount of sleep
Hour 28, it seems that I do not have the will to do this experiment, I think I need to build my self up to 4 days in time. I have never before attempted to stay awake for longer then 18 hours and I beat that by 10 hours. I say its over because I just woke up from a sleep I just toke. I fell asleep about an hour or 2 ago and so by my estimation I was most likely awake for 26 to 28 hours.
I only experienced numbness in my muscles and a loss of clear thought. Hopefully when I try this again I can stay up a little longer.
The experiment lasted roughly 28 hours. So i was awake for 28 hours straight. Right now i am running on 3 hours of sleep. So in the past 34 to 36 hours i have been asleep for 3 of those hours. I feel asleep at the 28 hour mark and after three hours i woke up again and haven't fell back to sleep. But the time rested in those 3 hours has made my experiment invalid so i must stop the experiment and wait alittle to fully recover and begin again.
this is my log:
Sleep deprivation log.
Day 1: okay so this is my first day in my own sleep deprivation experiment. Well actually I have been awake for about 10 to 12 hours already and have decided that I will now begin my experiment. There are no major motor function disruptions yet and there are no hallucinations, although that occurs after 3 or 4 days of sleep deprivation so there would be little chance that I would experience that. I am having some trouble typing but I think that is because I don’t type often. So now lets see where this take me.
As of now I have really done nothing in the day except I cleaned around the house a little I watched the NBA playoff game and I made cookies… they tasted pretty goooood.
(time was roughly 1:30 a.m. sat)
For now I will test myself for my cognitive ability by playing the game text twist which is a game that tests vocabulary. So my average score now is 4980 at time 2:00 a.m. out of five games.
Just reporting in, it is the hour 16, assuming, that I have been in this experiment. I know Jeff has told me to do a video log because of loss of motor skills and such but I only plan to do 4 days. I don’t feel like pushing it to the limit anytime soon, the only reason I am doing this is to experience the hallucinations. I think I will be doing more damage to my body and brain then taking a hallucinogen.
Yahoo game test score at 16 hours. Average score of 5: 3224; I seem to already be dropping. Oh well lets see if the trend continues.
Nearing on hour 20 or so I begin to think that maybe hallucinations caused by lack of sleep are somehow related to the need to dream. Maybe the dream center of the brain, our memories and whatever else consist of making a dream a dream are overactive in conscious person who does not allow them to release or relax, whatever be the case. If we try to deprive ourselves of sleep maybe those centers of our brain demand that they have their time so the visions we would normally see in a dream we would see when we are awake and we would call these abstractions and flutters of reality hallucinations….
Day 2: I am, what I have to believe is my second day, well I’m just starting it. By my own estimations I have been awake for 24 hours. Thought is alittle slowed but my motor skills don’t seemed impaired. Typing is still really easy although there is numbness and slight “tingly” feeling in my arms. I cannot lay down because I begin to drift in and out. I have to either be sitting or standing and remaining active. If I begin to slow my pace I feel like sleeping. I have already reached the point where I want to stop and then sleep for a good 2 to 3 hours or more. I am trying to fight it but I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this experiment. I know I can go at least another 12 hours. I have a very unusual hunger pain. It is almost a sleepy hunger. As I feel hungry I feel sleepy but when I put something in my gut, even something small like a banana I feel more awake.
Yahoo game test score at 24 hour. (YGT 24) 1812.my vision tilted while playing the game so I think the sleep deprivation is really starting to effect me. It just occurred to me that some of the levels of the game are not scored the same or have the same amount of points possible so a control test is necessary after I get a good amount of sleep
Hour 28, it seems that I do not have the will to do this experiment, I think I need to build my self up to 4 days in time. I have never before attempted to stay awake for longer then 18 hours and I beat that by 10 hours. I say its over because I just woke up from a sleep I just toke. I fell asleep about an hour or 2 ago and so by my estimation I was most likely awake for 26 to 28 hours.
I only experienced numbness in my muscles and a loss of clear thought. Hopefully when I try this again I can stay up a little longer.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Burned Brass Medal
Staring at that burned brass medal, my memories pour out of my mind, my heart lifts and my eyes tears. Those people I shared my life with, they are my friends, they are my peers, they are my companions, and they are those who I care about. My eyes stream with the emotions I feel for them. If I was given the choice to ruin my life in order to ensure that they would be successful and happy, I would without a second thought.
I wonder as this weight is in my hand if I will maintain these bonds, these friends. Making them laugh, seeing them smile, and sharing moments with them all; will I continue to do this? I will try will all my heart but my own nature seems to detour me from that. I am by my own convictions a lonely soul and happy and content with that, but the joy that I feel with them, with my peers is so fulfilling and so overwhelming that I would try to change my nature and shift my priorities in order to try to spend some of my moments with them.
My friends will be gone soon, beyond a reasonable physical reach. But the time that I have left I hope I am able to spend with them, even if it is a little. Although I call these people my friends and my bonds in this life, I know they are not close to me. I know that I am not always a part of their group and the one I was closet with is already gone. But I hope that I will be with them.
It saddens me to think of this, but the memories it recalls also makes me relive the joys already felt with them and makes all the sadness worth it.
There are those I could call brother and there are those who I could call sister and I would believe they would know who they are. Maybe not. By my own nature I wouldn’t let it show as much as I would like.
Placing the medal on the table I know that things will change but change isn’t always bad but the outcome will have to be adjusted to or it will be bad. These bonds I have I hope will sustain for the rest of my life but if not then I would cherish even the smallest moment longer with those bonds.
I wonder as this weight is in my hand if I will maintain these bonds, these friends. Making them laugh, seeing them smile, and sharing moments with them all; will I continue to do this? I will try will all my heart but my own nature seems to detour me from that. I am by my own convictions a lonely soul and happy and content with that, but the joy that I feel with them, with my peers is so fulfilling and so overwhelming that I would try to change my nature and shift my priorities in order to try to spend some of my moments with them.
My friends will be gone soon, beyond a reasonable physical reach. But the time that I have left I hope I am able to spend with them, even if it is a little. Although I call these people my friends and my bonds in this life, I know they are not close to me. I know that I am not always a part of their group and the one I was closet with is already gone. But I hope that I will be with them.
It saddens me to think of this, but the memories it recalls also makes me relive the joys already felt with them and makes all the sadness worth it.
There are those I could call brother and there are those who I could call sister and I would believe they would know who they are. Maybe not. By my own nature I wouldn’t let it show as much as I would like.
Placing the medal on the table I know that things will change but change isn’t always bad but the outcome will have to be adjusted to or it will be bad. These bonds I have I hope will sustain for the rest of my life but if not then I would cherish even the smallest moment longer with those bonds.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Me Being a Father and Other Things
Taking a shower always seems to stimulate my own mental conversations. I call them my moments of philosophical thought, this also occurs when I’m sitting on the toilet, laying down somewhere outside with a nice breeze and the most annoying is right when I’m about to go to sleep. Although this thought was stimulated by the shower.
I have always wanted to be a father, I don’t know if that is unusual for a guy to think about but I don’t think its as uncommon as I believe. I just have always wanted to take care of a little one of my own, teach them everything I know, make them better then me in every way. I don’t have that complex that dads feel they need to be better then their children, I want to strive to make my child better then me. I wish that they will pick up my passion for drawing and so I can teach them techniques I learned and they will become better and reach my level at a younger age then me.*
*I have thought of this scenario, I know that most children who have something forced on them they don’t like it, such as a sport or drawing. I want to kind of trick my kid into liking drawing. I want to draw constantly when I’m around them, draw portraits of them and of their mother, hopefully then I can inspire my child to pick up a pencil or brush.
Now on the case of gender of my child, I actually prefer to have a daughter. I have always had a closer relationship with my sisters then I have had with my brothers and I would love to have that daughter father relationship. Plus as a bonus I want to be that dad that is very intimidating and in some cases beat up the guy that hurt my little girl. I know there is the whole phase that girls go through in their teenage years and hopefully I know the proper way to deal with it, learning from what my sisters have done and what my parents have done.
Becoming a father is just about one of the most exciting aspects that I look forward to in my future. I have had constant dreams and fantasies about having kids with girls that I am very attracted to. Usually I only think about that if I like a girl beyond the physical element of her, and in these cases having children and being married is the fantasy that comes first and often persists before there are any sexual fantasies.
Now having discussed that there is something that I have to work on. I have trouble asking girls out. I know I can do it but I just can’t. I rarely try, but when I do I usually get a pretty decent relationship out of it. I just always find a reason not to go out with a girl, I get the courage up to ask her out and then something pops up, either something she does or something that pops into my head and I just stop in my tracks like a deer caught in headlights. I have a tendency to over think things.
As of right now I would say there is only one girl in my life that I feel like marring and having kids with, again the action had occurred that has stopped me from asking her out and seeing where the relationship goes. I don’t know if I should put her name down because I still have a weird sense of something or other (lost my train of thought). Well as I get the courage to write her name down I write alittle more. There were three girls that I felt like having kids and a long relationship with, but there were things that came up. First off one of the girls is idolized by one of my friends and they are currently going out so I don’t think of her in that way anymore-I am very good at detaching myself from emotions. The second girl reminds me to much of my family; add on to that she has my last name so that cuts the thought right now. Oh there is one other girl that I think was the first girl I felt that I could have had a long relationship and fathered some kids, but I haven’t seen her in over four years so I have no idea how I feel about her now. So the last girl, the one I will reveal the name of at the end; the first thing that came up to stop me from asking her out was that she was dating someone, then I fell for her again but then I found out that she smoked out and wanted to continue on a regular basis, I am a very strong advocate of no smoking and excessively drinking, so there again I stop thinking of her as a mother of my potential children, then again I fell for her- I think she has magical powers. Then the thought kind of quieted but didn’t go away when she went out with another guy, and as of now I don’t think she’s dating anyone but then again I think she is, oh well, so again I do feel like I could have a long lasting relationship with her and father some children with her, but more then likely I won’t do a damn thing about it…. God I’m such a loser, so I guess there is no point about hiding her identity since I most likely won’t do anything about it. Her name is Brittney; I like her a lot, well I think I do, see there goes the over thinking again, well she is pretty, she is smart, she is weird, she does some pretty weird things that are very funny, I love her eyes-although they creep me out sometimes, she has a pretty nice body-although she doesn’t think so but I do, but for the most part there is this unexplainable thing about her in general that I love, I can’t pinpoint it, maybe because I can’t, I probably like everything about her and don’t realize it. I don’t know but she is lovely and I don’t think I have a shot with her, but for now I love being her friend and if that is the best relationship I can have with her then I will accept it with open arms. Well now, I wonder if she’ll ever read this.
I have always wanted to be a father, I don’t know if that is unusual for a guy to think about but I don’t think its as uncommon as I believe. I just have always wanted to take care of a little one of my own, teach them everything I know, make them better then me in every way. I don’t have that complex that dads feel they need to be better then their children, I want to strive to make my child better then me. I wish that they will pick up my passion for drawing and so I can teach them techniques I learned and they will become better and reach my level at a younger age then me.*
*I have thought of this scenario, I know that most children who have something forced on them they don’t like it, such as a sport or drawing. I want to kind of trick my kid into liking drawing. I want to draw constantly when I’m around them, draw portraits of them and of their mother, hopefully then I can inspire my child to pick up a pencil or brush.
Now on the case of gender of my child, I actually prefer to have a daughter. I have always had a closer relationship with my sisters then I have had with my brothers and I would love to have that daughter father relationship. Plus as a bonus I want to be that dad that is very intimidating and in some cases beat up the guy that hurt my little girl. I know there is the whole phase that girls go through in their teenage years and hopefully I know the proper way to deal with it, learning from what my sisters have done and what my parents have done.
Becoming a father is just about one of the most exciting aspects that I look forward to in my future. I have had constant dreams and fantasies about having kids with girls that I am very attracted to. Usually I only think about that if I like a girl beyond the physical element of her, and in these cases having children and being married is the fantasy that comes first and often persists before there are any sexual fantasies.
Now having discussed that there is something that I have to work on. I have trouble asking girls out. I know I can do it but I just can’t. I rarely try, but when I do I usually get a pretty decent relationship out of it. I just always find a reason not to go out with a girl, I get the courage up to ask her out and then something pops up, either something she does or something that pops into my head and I just stop in my tracks like a deer caught in headlights. I have a tendency to over think things.
As of right now I would say there is only one girl in my life that I feel like marring and having kids with, again the action had occurred that has stopped me from asking her out and seeing where the relationship goes. I don’t know if I should put her name down because I still have a weird sense of something or other (lost my train of thought). Well as I get the courage to write her name down I write alittle more. There were three girls that I felt like having kids and a long relationship with, but there were things that came up. First off one of the girls is idolized by one of my friends and they are currently going out so I don’t think of her in that way anymore-I am very good at detaching myself from emotions. The second girl reminds me to much of my family; add on to that she has my last name so that cuts the thought right now. Oh there is one other girl that I think was the first girl I felt that I could have had a long relationship and fathered some kids, but I haven’t seen her in over four years so I have no idea how I feel about her now. So the last girl, the one I will reveal the name of at the end; the first thing that came up to stop me from asking her out was that she was dating someone, then I fell for her again but then I found out that she smoked out and wanted to continue on a regular basis, I am a very strong advocate of no smoking and excessively drinking, so there again I stop thinking of her as a mother of my potential children, then again I fell for her- I think she has magical powers. Then the thought kind of quieted but didn’t go away when she went out with another guy, and as of now I don’t think she’s dating anyone but then again I think she is, oh well, so again I do feel like I could have a long lasting relationship with her and father some children with her, but more then likely I won’t do a damn thing about it…. God I’m such a loser, so I guess there is no point about hiding her identity since I most likely won’t do anything about it. Her name is Brittney; I like her a lot, well I think I do, see there goes the over thinking again, well she is pretty, she is smart, she is weird, she does some pretty weird things that are very funny, I love her eyes-although they creep me out sometimes, she has a pretty nice body-although she doesn’t think so but I do, but for the most part there is this unexplainable thing about her in general that I love, I can’t pinpoint it, maybe because I can’t, I probably like everything about her and don’t realize it. I don’t know but she is lovely and I don’t think I have a shot with her, but for now I love being her friend and if that is the best relationship I can have with her then I will accept it with open arms. Well now, I wonder if she’ll ever read this.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Kevin this is for You
I have to say that my window into that world was opened by you
Having those new opportunities making new friends
But you, my friend, you will be missed
Not just by me but by almost everyone
The impact is felt by everyone
Everyone knew you, shit everyone could hear you
Your laugh could hit a buildings resonance frequency
You were like me and that’s why we were friends
That childish humor and joy was our common
I don’t think our after school talks were every of any deep meaning
I can barely remember them now but they are there
In my memory you will always be a close friend of mine
Your not dying so there’s no need to sound like a eulogy
I will see you again, you a doctor of some sort, me some kind of drifter
It’s pretty sad that you’re going but I’m glad you’re doing what you want
Most people are sad, but you’re not going to be gone forever
Now Kevin this is dedicated to you:
The Cackling Beast
Carving my own path in these tunnels
The light shown by some cackling beast
This stranger of huge size and proportion
There was no hesitation
A good joke and a child’s humor was this beasts feast
He showed me new paths in the tunnels
He became a close companion
That cackle was always blasting and rumbling
Even in the most serious situations that he is pit
Now as our paths are coming to a split
The beast is reassuring no sign of crumbling
I know the paths meet again
This beast proud and strong
Its shadow begins to cast long
Even if the years reach one thousand and ten
He will exist in thoughts till the tunnels meet again
It’s all you Kevin have a great time in the Philippines and become what you want to be and get as many Korean girls as you want…. Ha ha. Cackle on you strange beast.
Having those new opportunities making new friends
But you, my friend, you will be missed
Not just by me but by almost everyone
The impact is felt by everyone
Everyone knew you, shit everyone could hear you
Your laugh could hit a buildings resonance frequency
You were like me and that’s why we were friends
That childish humor and joy was our common
I don’t think our after school talks were every of any deep meaning
I can barely remember them now but they are there
In my memory you will always be a close friend of mine
Your not dying so there’s no need to sound like a eulogy
I will see you again, you a doctor of some sort, me some kind of drifter
It’s pretty sad that you’re going but I’m glad you’re doing what you want
Most people are sad, but you’re not going to be gone forever
Now Kevin this is dedicated to you:
The Cackling Beast
Carving my own path in these tunnels
The light shown by some cackling beast
This stranger of huge size and proportion
There was no hesitation
A good joke and a child’s humor was this beasts feast
He showed me new paths in the tunnels
He became a close companion
That cackle was always blasting and rumbling
Even in the most serious situations that he is pit
Now as our paths are coming to a split
The beast is reassuring no sign of crumbling
I know the paths meet again
This beast proud and strong
Its shadow begins to cast long
Even if the years reach one thousand and ten
He will exist in thoughts till the tunnels meet again
It’s all you Kevin have a great time in the Philippines and become what you want to be and get as many Korean girls as you want…. Ha ha. Cackle on you strange beast.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)