Me Being a Father and Other Things

Taking a shower always seems to stimulate my own mental conversations. I call them my moments of philosophical thought, this also occurs when I’m sitting on the toilet, laying down somewhere outside with a nice breeze and the most annoying is right when I’m about to go to sleep. Although this thought was stimulated by the shower.

I have always wanted to be a father, I don’t know if that is unusual for a guy to think about but I don’t think its as uncommon as I believe. I just have always wanted to take care of a little one of my own, teach them everything I know, make them better then me in every way. I don’t have that complex that dads feel they need to be better then their children, I want to strive to make my child better then me. I wish that they will pick up my passion for drawing and so I can teach them techniques I learned and they will become better and reach my level at a younger age then me.*

*I have thought of this scenario, I know that most children who have something forced on them they don’t like it, such as a sport or drawing. I want to kind of trick my kid into liking drawing. I want to draw constantly when I’m around them, draw portraits of them and of their mother, hopefully then I can inspire my child to pick up a pencil or brush.

Now on the case of gender of my child, I actually prefer to have a daughter. I have always had a closer relationship with my sisters then I have had with my brothers and I would love to have that daughter father relationship. Plus as a bonus I want to be that dad that is very intimidating and in some cases beat up the guy that hurt my little girl. I know there is the whole phase that girls go through in their teenage years and hopefully I know the proper way to deal with it, learning from what my sisters have done and what my parents have done.

Becoming a father is just about one of the most exciting aspects that I look forward to in my future. I have had constant dreams and fantasies about having kids with girls that I am very attracted to. Usually I only think about that if I like a girl beyond the physical element of her, and in these cases having children and being married is the fantasy that comes first and often persists before there are any sexual fantasies.

Now having discussed that there is something that I have to work on. I have trouble asking girls out. I know I can do it but I just can’t. I rarely try, but when I do I usually get a pretty decent relationship out of it. I just always find a reason not to go out with a girl, I get the courage up to ask her out and then something pops up, either something she does or something that pops into my head and I just stop in my tracks like a deer caught in headlights. I have a tendency to over think things.

As of right now I would say there is only one girl in my life that I feel like marring and having kids with, again the action had occurred that has stopped me from asking her out and seeing where the relationship goes. I don’t know if I should put her name down because I still have a weird sense of something or other (lost my train of thought). Well as I get the courage to write her name down I write alittle more. There were three girls that I felt like having kids and a long relationship with, but there were things that came up. First off one of the girls is idolized by one of my friends and they are currently going out so I don’t think of her in that way anymore-I am very good at detaching myself from emotions. The second girl reminds me to much of my family; add on to that she has my last name so that cuts the thought right now. Oh there is one other girl that I think was the first girl I felt that I could have had a long relationship and fathered some kids, but I haven’t seen her in over four years so I have no idea how I feel about her now. So the last girl, the one I will reveal the name of at the end; the first thing that came up to stop me from asking her out was that she was dating someone, then I fell for her again but then I found out that she smoked out and wanted to continue on a regular basis, I am a very strong advocate of no smoking and excessively drinking, so there again I stop thinking of her as a mother of my potential children, then again I fell for her- I think she has magical powers. Then the thought kind of quieted but didn’t go away when she went out with another guy, and as of now I don’t think she’s dating anyone but then again I think she is, oh well, so again I do feel like I could have a long lasting relationship with her and father some children with her, but more then likely I won’t do a damn thing about it…. God I’m such a loser, so I guess there is no point about hiding her identity since I most likely won’t do anything about it. Her name is Brittney; I like her a lot, well I think I do, see there goes the over thinking again, well she is pretty, she is smart, she is weird, she does some pretty weird things that are very funny, I love her eyes-although they creep me out sometimes, she has a pretty nice body-although she doesn’t think so but I do, but for the most part there is this unexplainable thing about her in general that I love, I can’t pinpoint it, maybe because I can’t, I probably like everything about her and don’t realize it. I don’t know but she is lovely and I don’t think I have a shot with her, but for now I love being her friend and if that is the best relationship I can have with her then I will accept it with open arms. Well now, I wonder if she’ll ever read this.