Random Thoughts Throughout the Year

Think of my past and accept my faults, hope for the future and be glad for what will happen, live for the moment and see the joy in every second...

Scrambled thoughts and scrambled times lead to a free flow of expression of thought. The insight I give you in the following free flow script will be almost as much as I could give you through written language if not all I can give you. My thoughts are erratic, various and inconsistent in some issues. I am still trying to find my answers to the world, or at least what I think I could know, I will never know it all and am not attempting that but I want to know about as much as possible and have thoughts on everything that I can possible think of. I love thought, it gives me something to do to fill all the gaps in life in which there are moments of nothingness.

Life is a mystery. Things in this world happen and the reasons don't seem to be right or don't seem to be there at all. I constantly question the things in the world that I interact with. Its not bad is it, its how I choose to live. To want to know, to ask questions, to think about the situations, to constantly and whole heartily let my curiosity guide me.

Everything interests me. From the simplest situation and question to the most perplexing and complex phenomenon. The mysteriousness of life, the mystery of the universe and the mysterious way in which the human being reacts and views his or her world. It is astounding to me. I want to know about it, I want to question it, I want to know what makes anything do anything. Although the human seems to be the consumption of most of my thought right now. Women are an even more strange creature that boggles and captivates my attention. How they see the world, how they react to given situations, how it seems to be in their nature for their emotions to run their thoughts and their lives. I have seen it personally how women seem to distort reality and shape it to drive their emotions, or their emotions drive their necessity to distort reality in order to fuel the emotion. I have had many instances where my sisters and my mother have taken a situation and added to it and distorted it so that it would further the emotion they were feeling. One clear example is when I overheard my sister and my brother talking, my brother was in a calm mood and addressed a thing that my sister had done that was a little stupid but he was calm and relaxed and tried to approach the situation in an appropriate manner. My sister seemed to dismiss his comments and then raised her voice and my brother became angry and just ended the conversation. A few hours later my sister began talking about how my brother was a dick to her and was yelling at her for what happened and that he didn't deserve to say anything. To which I replied that I was there, I had heard the whole conversation and that he didn't yell he was just trying to bring up the reasons why she had done it in the most calm and relaxed way he could. The distortion and level of distortion astonished me. I know everyone does this, not only women; it happens when our emotions drive our actions. It just seems that women tend to be driven by their emotions by a different degree and usually a much stronger degree then men are. It usually is different situations that drive the same emotions and men can be easily driven by their emotions.

I can't stop my thought process, I go a little crazy sometimes because I can't escape my thoughts. Thinking is just what my brain does all the time and about every thing possible. The only times I can stop is when I'm really into a song. That's the only time my brain really shuts off, or at least relaxes.

None of my thoughts seem to ever be finished. I just jump from one thing to another. The ability to pursue something to the end is not in my abilities yet. Will it ever be? I don't know. I'll try to change that about me, but it just seems that my mind wants to wander and wander and go from one thing to another to keep my interest. Its my form of ADD. I know I have it but I think I've found my own way around it. If I pay attention to one thing and then go off in space when I think I can spare a moment of attention and go off on some tangent in my brain. I do this god know how many times, always returning but always going away. Purposely distracting myself in order to pay attention. If I don't I'll fall asleep or permanently get lost in tangent thought.

My anxiety will kill me one day. My will is not strong enough to fully overcome the things that my anxiety chains me down on. It is so overwhelming for me to try to tackle it on my own. Thank god I have people around me who are willing to work with me and help me overcome and step over my shortcomings. They are helping me live my life to its fullest and trying to let me live as happy as possible. All I can do is show that I appreciate them. I'll try to help in anyway I can. I'll help with what I have and hope that they feel I helped them and are there for them as much as I feel there are there for me. It helps to try to find a way to express yourself. I know that when you have difficulty expressing yourself that its hard for those around you who want to help you to help. We don't want to tell you what to do but try to help you figure out what to do. We want to help each other live our lives and be as happy as possible however it is that you see that. It is difficult to see those you care about struggling and going through the worst of what life can throw at you, we only want to help lift some of that weight off of your shoulders so that you can find a way to handle things and move on. You are my friends, you are my brothers and my sisters, I only wish the best for all of you, for you to live your life the way you want and as happy as you see fit. If i've met you even once in my life I hope your life is filled with joy and you accomplish in your life what you set. If i've never met you then I hope your miserable, ha ha; I want everyone to have the best lives possible, no happiness out of ignorance, no denial of your past. Accept your past and learn from your experiences, plan your future but don't let it take over your life, live for the moment, live in the present, the present is the only thing that is real. 12-7-09

On B

I want to be able to explain myself:

this is an explanation of the situation into which I have put myself with a woman, well a girl, based off of her personality and how she carries herself. Lets call this woman B, that's what I'll refer to her as from this point on. I will begin with an explanation as to who I think B is, then go on to explain why I like her, then what my intentions were and are, and any other thing that comes into my mind as I am writing.
So here is an explanation of her through my perspective. She is 17 years old and going to be 18 at the point in which I'm writing this, she is about 5'4'' blue eyes, white, dark blonde hair. She has very pretty face, nice body, great ass, small boobs, and good waist. Very very pretty, out of my league completely. She has a new yorker, Boston accent, very light but noticeable. I don't recall if she has the dark blue ring in her eyes but I think she has it, but its thin. She wears her hair in two different styles that I can remember, up and back and then up and to the sides, I much prefer the one that is up and back, she also has that pomp hair thing in the front. She has small fat lips that I can remember, soft skin, her voice is not very high, but not deep, kind of mid range on female voice range. Now about her personality, she is very childish, she is ignorant of a lot of things, or at least plays it, probably both but more of the first. She knows sign language very well and absolutely despises math, to which I love. Not very trivia knowledgeable, except when it comes to sex and sexual things. She is very hyper-sexual but more of flirty sexual. At least with me, she has ridden me, with clothes on, I've dry humped her, I've fingered her, both above and beneath clothing, she has jerked me off but over the pants and has put her mouth on my dick, but again over the pants. She is very controlling, and she likes to hit me in the balls or dick, or at least that whole region. She is very bold with her jokes, a lot of racist humor. She seems to like attention, on being the center of attention, but I've had moments with her where my attention was enough. She moans when she wants to play with me. If I begin to mess with her and bug her she will go along at first and then begin to moan and make sexual noises to win and have me stop. She knows she has control of me and uses that. Of her intentions with me I don't know. She seems to be very close to me and usually would stay close with me, she has slept in my arms several times, to which I like very much. She says she is dying, she complains of her heart and lungs hurting very frequently. She says that her dad abuses her, that her mom is a bitch and so is her sister. Nothing that I've seen has confirmed the last sentence but I still hold what she says at face value but I have my doubts. Not that she is lying but exaggerating the truth. She likes to watch porn. She calls me her Mexican. She listens to hip-hop, rap, that I know of. She doesn't like a lot of the calming and relaxing music that I like. She listens to music and texts people when she is bored. She does plan to go to college for sign language.
What I like and don't like about her. I like her sexual nature. I have found out, well confirmed that I like some level of being controlled by a woman. I like when she tells me what to do and commands me. I don't like how she hits me in the balls constantly. When she tries and doesn't actually hit them, I get some sick kicks from it which I don't really understand why I like it but I do. I absolutely love(at least sexually) the look she gives me, a sexual look when she kind of lowers her head and looks up at me. My friends believe I only like her because of my penis, I think that's a part but hopefully I can actually show that its not all that. I like how bold she is with her jokes. I can see that she is smart and has great potential to know a lot but she doesn't apply herself, to which I don't like. She can tell a decent story, she can captivate me with her words, which I like. She doesn't talk much in new situations unless she is addressed which is similar to how I am. I like when she sleeps in my arms. This one I can't explain but I love being in the same room with her, just her in the room, being with her, I am unbelievably content, I don't have to speak, she doesn't have to speak just being with her makes me happy, a happy I don't know. She plays along with me when I fake slap her in the face, or poke her, although she does turn it against me when I do it too much. I love her smile and her laugh. When she giggles its so fucking adorable. She likes to choke me and to pass the comfort zone of submissions for some reason and it scares me a little. I think she connects my little kid inside with the dirty old man, and that I like. When I'm around her I don't feel like doing anything else then just hanging out with her.
My friends perceptions of her; they think she is a liar, or at least an exaggerator, they think she is rude, I get the impression that they don't think she is good enough for me, they think she mistreats me, they don't understand how I let her do what she does to me, they believe I'm being lead by my dick, they have said that the only reason they would let her hang out with the group is because of me, and if she was just a friend of Spencer's that they wouldn't really want her to come over to the group, that she is very quiet or at least makes bad impressions, that she loves attention from all the guys in a group, likes group dynamics where there is a lot going on-media entertainment, I get the impression that they don't want me to pursue her.
Now my intentions are very simply to date her. I want to be her boyfriend. I do want to fuck her, and fuck the shit out of her. But when I first met her I was told by her that she was going to die in 6 months and that didn't scare me away from pursuing a relationship. I want to love her but I'm afraid to. Because of what she has shown me, that she can be very sexual and then switch it off instantly which my mind translates to, me and her in a relationship and doing fine and then she just switches and ends it for no reason and then I will get hurt, really hurt. So for now I guard myself against her. But the idea of loving her and really getting close to her doesn't scare me. I was preparing myself to stay with her to her deathbed and going through all that pain, that pain of loss; I was willing to love her, and love her unconditionally. Now I'm nervous about it, I don't know her intentions with me and I don't know what she wants from me and I'm also afraid to find out, I don't want to ask because of what the answer will be. But even if we were together I can't see it lasting. Maybe 2 months, maybe 2 years but I don't see it going the distance but I see a lot of potential, potential for the good and potential for the bad; she will test me, bad or good I don't know. I'm am also nervous that if the question of what is our relationship at this moment or what it will be will lead to me burning the bridge with her and us not being friends which I don't like the idea of, but I want to be more then friends with her, I want to be more then just a fuck buddy, I want to be with her, in a relationship, I want to love her.
On the confusing things about her. Although I don't know her intentions with me she does seem to stick near me whenever I'm around. If I leave to one room, she would follow, if I go and sit in one area she would follow. Although this has only happened when I invited her somewhere and when we were at a friends house or in a completely new setting, I don't know how's she be if she was around more of her friends and I will find that out soon. She also seems hurt when I was slightly indecisive about not going to something that she is throwing, although she played it as if it was no big deal I get the hint that she was hurt by my mention that I wouldn't go or that I would leave early.
I think that may be it. So far that's what I got, that 1 hour of thinking and writing about this girl, about B. I don't know what I'm going to do, my decision for now is to roll along, is to just go with the flow and see where it takes me and hope for the best, I have my guards up but I don't want them up. But B is the Puppet Keeper and I am the Puppet.

… New update- So I found out her intentions, not good for me. She just wanted to be friends and it hurt a little but I got over it pretty quickly. I ended up burning the bridge a little not out of spite but more of the fact that the more I thought of it the only reason I liked hanging out with her was because of her sexual nature. I tried denying it, and yes she does have some redeeming qualities but I think it was almost all sexual and be trying to excuse it. I figured out at least I think I have, that its just her personality type. She just loves that kind of attention, and she doesn't necessarily want anything other then the attention, which I wished I knew when I was in the situation I was in. Now I'm in pursuit of someone new. Someone I've known for awhile, I like her, I like who she is not who she could be which seems to be a big folly of mine. I see myself ruining the opportunity with her, lets call her J. Some part of me will not let it happen or fuck up, or actually misrepresent what is there. My friend who's pretty good at spotting when women give the “signs” has said that she likes me so that's really the only thing that really secures the idea that I could actually try and do something with J. I would like to date her and have a good time. Well since this started with B and I should end it with B. She is a friend, now more of an acquaintance. I will have my memories about her and she will probably have some about me but what happens in the future is whatever happens, I wish her the best and hope she can find a way to live as happy as possible.