Torn Thoughts

(This is a very big insight into my thoughts so if you don't want to know whats going on in there then stop reading, trust when its over you'll understand)I am torn in my head, my situations that I'm in are not life threatening or of major concern, well maybe. I am being pushed, compelled, propelled into a direction, into a situation to which I don't know what to do. My feelings and emotions are guiding my mind into this territory. My mind is even finding it difficult to resist the thought. Well whats so bad, what is the worst outcome, ah where to begin. One of the bad things is that I'll be putting someone into a situation to which I don't think she feels comfortable. Some people need certain people to be there for them. I don't know if changing my role, my relationship with her will effect the effectiveness of my ability to satisfy that need. This person, I feel needs good guys in her life because only dicks seem to be attracted to her. Good guys in the sense that is a guy who is a friend and is there to help and comfort her without the want or desire to be anything more then a friend. Of course I know that I can't be that, I know I will always want some thing more then a friendship but that doesn't mean I can't put on a facade. I can show that I'm not thinking of being more then friends and even say some things that might discourage her from liking me beyond a friend, so that I'm protecting myself and her; why do I feel I need to protect people, why do I concern myself with other peoples lives, why can't I not concern myself with how something effects someone elses' life and just worry about my own and my feelings, I guess that goes against my nature. The other concern is her age, she is younger and not by too much but at our current ages to me seems a lot. Too much. As time passes that is concerning me less and less. She is very mature but still has moments of immaturity. Am I concerned for her more that for others. That I don't know; I have cared to be with her over other people. Those I've know longer I've blown off or thought of blowing off because of her. My thoughts are a little infuriating, why can't I make a decision why does this seem so complicated. Does she like me the same way I do. I believe she cares for me but does that translate to a romantic like. Will I ever know without asking. She has shared with me something that I know is very difficult to talk about, I tried to return the sharing of a traumatic event but my life does not have tragedy, I just know the tragedies of others, they tell me how it feels from their perspective and I make my own thought experiments as to how that would effect me and can get an idea of how to react to certain things and try to help in certain situations. Again my need to help is too crazy. Will I just let things play out as normal or do something about it; will I just leave bread crumbs for her to follow and discover what thoughts are in my head. I guess that is what I'm doing, I will post this online, and have set the crumbs for her to read. That stems from me actually coming across her blog almost accidentally and with coincidence that I think one of her posts was about me, and it just so happened to be the first or actually the last one. She used caring but what does that mean, does it translate or is it just caring, does she know how I feel about her, was that post even really about me. It feels better to jot this all down. I feel like I'm talking to someone and I do think the best when I'm talking. In speech I find reason, in conversation I find my muse, in language the expression of my soul is tamed and coherent. In these words my demons are exercised and I am at peace. Love, that's whats in my head, can I feel love, no that's not the question; the question is do I deserve love, do I deserve to love someone and especially for someone to love me. I don't know what love is, is that because I run from it, do I not want to know someone can make me that vulnerable. Yeah love, is that whats causing this tearing... … continuing from there I have found more time and more paper to write. It seems this subject is more serious than I first thought, I felt better but I got frustrated within 10 minutes. I don't know why I'm mad, I shouldn't be. Am I mad at her. Ha, mad at her; damn why does she make me feel like this; ugh she is purposely making me feel this way and making my mind trip up and be confused; that's an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I question if I should tell her, just to find out if she like me or not but what will that accomplish. Okay if she says she doesn't then its over, there will be some awkwardness and I might put her in a situation where there is just another guy whose after her trying to be her friend, not true, but she may think that-looks like I'm trying to defend myself. And if she says she does that opens up a whole can of worms. Do we go out, do I just let that sit and brew. If I find out she does like me and I let life just keep rolling along, she may become annoyed at that because of my inability to take action or assert myself. If I do go out with her, when, now well I have felt she needs time to be alone, she is too young to concern herself with relationships for awhile but what if she goes out with someone else, have I lost my chance will I ever be able to, if I go out with her now either its so awkward and weird and it never works or it works she cares for me, I for her, we fall madly in love, get married have kids and forever remain together in happiness and sadness ha ha. Can I picture myself going that far with this girl. Can I picture a house together, kids, ups and downs of life... Damn can I?..... First can I think of even kissing her, holding her, and other things relationships entail. I can picture kissing, I can picture embracing, actually you know what I can picture, I picture laying next to her, her asleep, me waking in the middle of the night raising on one elbow and staring at her, wondering the whole time how did I end up with this girl, what did I do for her to be with me, how did this happen? You know it makes me nervous to think of it but I'm not getting scared. Ah she does that, she makes me nervous, what does that mean. She has had my heart stop and my breathing cease before. I still remember what happened. I was asleep, woke to her voice calling me, I opened my eyes to see her looking at me, then she blew a kiss; very childish kiss but it made my heart stop; my chest hurt, hurt in a way that I had no idea what was happening; it felt like I couldn't breath it was the weirdest and the most amazing feeling I have gotten in the longest time. I don't know these thoughts are new but familiar. Man this girl is gonna make me stress out. I'm usually inspired to write poetry and “philosophical” essays when I am getting feelings of romantic entanglement but never have I devoted four pages, hand written front and back to delving into my mind for answers I will never find. If I could talk to her about it, if I could not be such a coward about my thoughts and feelings and just be blunt like I am with everything else, why do I coward behind words ink and paper. What am I hoping for, that she'd come across this and talk to me about it, put me in a situation where I can't get away from talking about it, maybe. Do i just want her to know how I feel even if she doesn't feel the same way, if she knows will she change her mid, god why do I think so much about everything. Now I am coming to the end of my writing, not that I don't have time, I think I could write more but what beyond this point will I talk about that hasn't already been said. My brain is torn and I am in the process of repairing it. I think I may give it a year or so, so I'll take the rout I always take; wait and see, just let life roll by and see what developments occur and what will and won't happen of course all that means is I'll take the cowards way out, of course, I will do nothing about it, what a bitch I am. God I hope she reads this.