Sunday, May 31, 2009

Right Now

Okay now I have time to write again. This is after a pretty long discussion about me and about the things that are going on in my life, between me and my friends. There are things in my personality that I might have to change, not to drastic degrees but enough that it would no longer be self-destructive.


First there is this concept in my head that the people I love, this means just my family right now because those the the only people I love, that I hold myself as having less worth then they do. I have the idea that if I could sacrifice myself to make them happier I would. Apparently that is a self-destructive behavior, I kind of see that but not really, I guess I just have to tone down the degree to which I'd sacrifice and go with what one of my friends told me which is go to my full potential first so that I have a better opportunity to help and my sacrifice would be after I have reached my potential.


There is also my cowardice or my self-doubt. I seem to just have an inability to do certain things and usually it applies to my endeavors into romance that I concede to others and don't do the “competition” for compassion that, not in those words, my friend has said is the dating world. I guess I just never wanted to be with a girl to whom I have to compete to get because in competition I feel that a person is fake, they try to be something they are not and I never wanted to be with a girl to whom I have to compete or be fake for. Then again I got encouragement from my friends and I know myself that I am a damn good guy myself, and just letting aspects of myself out will be my form or competition. Well we'll see if that works out.


Now there is this girl, I don't know what it is about her, maybe I'm just obsessing. Probably. I think I figured out what happening. She is really smart, quirky, laughs at my jokes, catches me off guard, and I like all those things about her but I think I just like them. She still has to grow up, not that she isn't mature she is but she's just not there yet. I love her potential, yeah love, pretty sure its that, I love who she could be, a self assertive, strong, mature, smart, quirky, humorous, “catch me off guard”, woman; and that's what I love.


Right now I'm still not sure. She seems to be attached to someone else right now and I'd like to say I'm not bitter about it, I am a little but not that much. I just get disappointed sometimes that it seems that I could never get that great girl, that its always someone who gets her, I feel I'm deserving, but that just my ego talking. Right now my role is to be her friend, yeah, sucks for me but I think she needs that more from me then anything else and I think that the best role I can be right now.


Life is a mystery, its crazy twists and turns are what makes it interesting and devastating, all we can do is to continue to walk those paths before us and hope that when we reach the end of the road that the things we are glad we did outweigh the things we regret.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Torn Thoughts

(This is a very big insight into my thoughts so if you don't want to know whats going on in there then stop reading, trust when its over you'll understand)I am torn in my head, my situations that I'm in are not life threatening or of major concern, well maybe. I am being pushed, compelled, propelled into a direction, into a situation to which I don't know what to do. My feelings and emotions are guiding my mind into this territory. My mind is even finding it difficult to resist the thought. Well whats so bad, what is the worst outcome, ah where to begin. One of the bad things is that I'll be putting someone into a situation to which I don't think she feels comfortable. Some people need certain people to be there for them. I don't know if changing my role, my relationship with her will effect the effectiveness of my ability to satisfy that need. This person, I feel needs good guys in her life because only dicks seem to be attracted to her. Good guys in the sense that is a guy who is a friend and is there to help and comfort her without the want or desire to be anything more then a friend. Of course I know that I can't be that, I know I will always want some thing more then a friendship but that doesn't mean I can't put on a facade. I can show that I'm not thinking of being more then friends and even say some things that might discourage her from liking me beyond a friend, so that I'm protecting myself and her; why do I feel I need to protect people, why do I concern myself with other peoples lives, why can't I not concern myself with how something effects someone elses' life and just worry about my own and my feelings, I guess that goes against my nature. The other concern is her age, she is younger and not by too much but at our current ages to me seems a lot. Too much. As time passes that is concerning me less and less. She is very mature but still has moments of immaturity. Am I concerned for her more that for others. That I don't know; I have cared to be with her over other people. Those I've know longer I've blown off or thought of blowing off because of her. My thoughts are a little infuriating, why can't I make a decision why does this seem so complicated. Does she like me the same way I do. I believe she cares for me but does that translate to a romantic like. Will I ever know without asking. She has shared with me something that I know is very difficult to talk about, I tried to return the sharing of a traumatic event but my life does not have tragedy, I just know the tragedies of others, they tell me how it feels from their perspective and I make my own thought experiments as to how that would effect me and can get an idea of how to react to certain things and try to help in certain situations. Again my need to help is too crazy. Will I just let things play out as normal or do something about it; will I just leave bread crumbs for her to follow and discover what thoughts are in my head. I guess that is what I'm doing, I will post this online, and have set the crumbs for her to read. That stems from me actually coming across her blog almost accidentally and with coincidence that I think one of her posts was about me, and it just so happened to be the first or actually the last one. She used caring but what does that mean, does it translate or is it just caring, does she know how I feel about her, was that post even really about me. It feels better to jot this all down. I feel like I'm talking to someone and I do think the best when I'm talking. In speech I find reason, in conversation I find my muse, in language the expression of my soul is tamed and coherent. In these words my demons are exercised and I am at peace. Love, that's whats in my head, can I feel love, no that's not the question; the question is do I deserve love, do I deserve to love someone and especially for someone to love me. I don't know what love is, is that because I run from it, do I not want to know someone can make me that vulnerable. Yeah love, is that whats causing this tearing... … continuing from there I have found more time and more paper to write. It seems this subject is more serious than I first thought, I felt better but I got frustrated within 10 minutes. I don't know why I'm mad, I shouldn't be. Am I mad at her. Ha, mad at her; damn why does she make me feel like this; ugh she is purposely making me feel this way and making my mind trip up and be confused; that's an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I question if I should tell her, just to find out if she like me or not but what will that accomplish. Okay if she says she doesn't then its over, there will be some awkwardness and I might put her in a situation where there is just another guy whose after her trying to be her friend, not true, but she may think that-looks like I'm trying to defend myself. And if she says she does that opens up a whole can of worms. Do we go out, do I just let that sit and brew. If I find out she does like me and I let life just keep rolling along, she may become annoyed at that because of my inability to take action or assert myself. If I do go out with her, when, now well I have felt she needs time to be alone, she is too young to concern herself with relationships for awhile but what if she goes out with someone else, have I lost my chance will I ever be able to, if I go out with her now either its so awkward and weird and it never works or it works she cares for me, I for her, we fall madly in love, get married have kids and forever remain together in happiness and sadness ha ha. Can I picture myself going that far with this girl. Can I picture a house together, kids, ups and downs of life... Damn can I?..... First can I think of even kissing her, holding her, and other things relationships entail. I can picture kissing, I can picture embracing, actually you know what I can picture, I picture laying next to her, her asleep, me waking in the middle of the night raising on one elbow and staring at her, wondering the whole time how did I end up with this girl, what did I do for her to be with me, how did this happen? You know it makes me nervous to think of it but I'm not getting scared. Ah she does that, she makes me nervous, what does that mean. She has had my heart stop and my breathing cease before. I still remember what happened. I was asleep, woke to her voice calling me, I opened my eyes to see her looking at me, then she blew a kiss; very childish kiss but it made my heart stop; my chest hurt, hurt in a way that I had no idea what was happening; it felt like I couldn't breath it was the weirdest and the most amazing feeling I have gotten in the longest time. I don't know these thoughts are new but familiar. Man this girl is gonna make me stress out. I'm usually inspired to write poetry and “philosophical” essays when I am getting feelings of romantic entanglement but never have I devoted four pages, hand written front and back to delving into my mind for answers I will never find. If I could talk to her about it, if I could not be such a coward about my thoughts and feelings and just be blunt like I am with everything else, why do I coward behind words ink and paper. What am I hoping for, that she'd come across this and talk to me about it, put me in a situation where I can't get away from talking about it, maybe. Do i just want her to know how I feel even if she doesn't feel the same way, if she knows will she change her mid, god why do I think so much about everything. Now I am coming to the end of my writing, not that I don't have time, I think I could write more but what beyond this point will I talk about that hasn't already been said. My brain is torn and I am in the process of repairing it. I think I may give it a year or so, so I'll take the rout I always take; wait and see, just let life roll by and see what developments occur and what will and won't happen of course all that means is I'll take the cowards way out, of course, I will do nothing about it, what a bitch I am. God I hope she reads this.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

On Love

There is a constant quote by my philosophy teacher Mr. Sanders “I believe the Greeks were the ones who had a true understanding of love, they had three different types of love.” He constantly says this but never gives an explanation.


In my own research of the subject there are four types of love set by the greeks, agape, eros, philia, and storgē. Which is just general affection and contentment, passionate or romantic love, friendship, and affection for parents or offspring; respectively. I think that this is pretty close to how love should be treated, but I would like to elaborate a little on it and also simplify it to three.


First, there is the love of friendship. This is the love felt toward a friend, there is no sexual relation, you have a feeling of admiration, compassion, and connection with an individual. These are the people to whom you can confide your secrets, your problems and help you through some of the worst of your troubles. These people are different from your family and may be considered family but still are outside the immediate family. This is the love to which you would never want to leg go and help give you a sense of comfort.


Second, there is the love of your family. This includes parents, siblings, and offspring. This to me is a stronger love then that of friendship and of romantic or passionate love. This love seem to be almost irremovable, you can hate someone of your immediate family (parents, siblings, and offspring), but there still is an almost necessary obligation to love them in some way. Many people may disagree with me on this one but I hold it as the top. The love of offspring comes from you having helped create that life and you being a major role in shaping how that person develops as an adult. The responsibility of caring so much for the life of another human being is so strong that someone who cares to take the responsibility is in love with their child. The love of your siblings is a result of their influence on your life, regardless if you want to accept it but the person you are is greatly shaped by your siblings, if you have siblings, and you shape their lives. This vice versa role helps create love between the two. Now there is love of your parents, this one is easy, one your parents help to create you, so your entire existence is do to those people you call your parents and the other which is the most important is if they took the responsibility to raise you in the best possible way through their means, this amount of devotion to you is enough to grant love, compassion and respect to your parents.


Third, there is romantic and passionate love. I believe I don't really have an understanding of this type of love. My best explanation of this type is that it is of two people being in romantic-sexual relationship with each other. I will try my best to explain this love. This love goes beyond infatuation and lust, they are only temporary and can imitate and replicate the same feelings of actually being in love. There is a physical part of this romantic love but it is also a personal. The best way I can put it is that you like 70 to 80 percent of a person and hate or dislike the other 30 or 20 percent but that doesn't really bother you, it may bug or annoy you but at the end of the day you still care for the person beyond you annoyances. This love isn't always filled with happiness and joy, it is the love that means that you care for the other person above yourself, in fact all of the loves share that same trait. The other persons concerns, troubles and hardships are what you care about, you want to make them disappear or have less of an affect on the other person, not because it would make you happy but because you know that they will be happy regardless if that is going to make you any better. There is a sexual aspect of this type of love, there has to be some level of physical attraction because humans as a creature need that as a component to be able to stay in a relationship with another human. There is a sense of oneself in this love but it is not always and not the main point of it. As my philosophy teacher says it is not love if the person your with is in the relationship because you make them happy, if your in a relationship like that then head out as quick as possible. Now this may be a little stunning to some of you and you may completely disagree with it but I look forward to your disagreements and hope you comment so I can respond to them.


Love in general is a sense of caring for others above yourself. You desire the feelings they make you have and they desire the feeling you make them have, there is selfishness in love but love is when you care about the other persons life and are willing to make some sacrifices to secure their happiness.


(now I may have forgotten some of my points, and I may not have put all the points I wanted to or had not put them down the way I wanted to, I only thought of this a couple times in my head before I began writing. During writing I had come up and lost some better points and ideas but the argument I think is still there, I encourage you to bring up inconsistencies and your own view on love so I can better my argument and adjust my ideals based on yours-if you provide good reasons of course)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

In My Head Again

Okay so now that I mulled over my previous thoughts and every other thought that has occurred since. It seems I have been overly dramatic or at least I overemphasized certain thoughts that were running through my head at the time....

Okay so in one of my previous blogs I said that I loved a girl named Brittney but I don't think I do. I like her, and i like alot of things about her but I always seem to fall prey to over exaggeratted emotions. Now then I don't know if i do love her or not but considering that I am questioning it I will go with the not. So now that I have given my self time to think everything over again, she is just a really good friend. I am just closer to her then I am with most girls, I think it is more of her personality and the way she is that is so appealing. Then again there are factors of her that are not so appealing, I will not go into detail.

So as of now I have decided with myself that i do not love anyone as of the current moment, excluding my family, that is a different kind of love anyway.

So the point of this is that I have a very impulsive soul and i tend to over emphazise my emotions (just to let you know I am a horrible speller =) so having said that i just want to feel like I got something off my chest. I think i did this because rethinking and re-reading what I wrote previous made me think over if my emotions where that strong.....

.... and then this all leads to my neccesity to be able to detach very easily from people, most importantly women. Because my emotions, especially those of love and lust are so irratic I have to be able to detach. I do get very attached very easily, although for the most part I don't display any of it, at least I try not to, I don't know why. I am lost now and can't remeber if there was another point I was going to....(excuss excessive grammer and spelling errors I am writing directly into the post thing so I have no spell check and this is sort of just a impulsive writing moment and it was spur of the moment... oh well.)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

In my Head Again (ongoing series)

In my thoughts again, thinking over past events and reliving them in my head I always think how things could be different. The one thing I thought of again is the time that I was so very duped and confused lust for love.

There was a moment in my past in which an unnamed female was deeply involved in my life and I was glad for it. I loved talking with her, being with her and I loved everything about her, at least I thought I did. I even went as far as telling her I love her, which I normally don’t do because I have a raised distinction of love, I don’t even believe I have ever experienced love so I never usually say it to girls I’m involved with.

But alas it seems that all my emotions were confused and jumbled because of my libido, that godforsaken appendage that hangs between my legs and leads me in directions and thoughts I would rather not go to, but given the chance I would still live with it then without it. It seems that with time I began to realize that I liked very little of this unnamed female, her laugh was annoying, her music sucked, she wasn’t that funny, she was even to goofy for me, and i began to realize why it was I “fell” for her in the first place. It was because she talked dirty to me. Yes, yes I had my dick confuse my emotions and I mistook love for lust. In time I realized the only reason I liked her was because she made me horny…. Such a sad time in my past and I hope I never fall for it again, but alas I believe that it will happen again…..

…. This new one, well relatively new; is it her personality I adore, her laugh, her smile, her humor, her general person that I am fond of and have fallen for. Or can it be that my brain is confused again, her rack, her caboose, her body; have I fallen for that, confused my emotions and I cannot distinguish whether it is her physical form I’m after or her soul and mind. Or her gaze, has she cast a veil over my reality and stunned my very thoughts with her eyes, her gaze has caught me, in a web, stuck, struggling, thinking of how it came to be, what had brought me to this point, this trance she has induced has snared me so….

Maybe like everything else in my life I am over thinking this situation. Maybe I do like some aspects of this new huntress whose caught me in her trap, or am I too delirious and dumb to realize that it maybe just a crush and simple little thing and not as much as I make it seem. I don’t know, I don’t understand my own emotions, I believe I understand my self but my emotions are on a whole different level of self realization. Well only time will tell and if time has been like it has in the past I will be thinking over again the events that have played out and how they could be different.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Math and Language; This is My Opinion

(this is an expression of thought done in leisurely time with no second thought on double checking and revising, there is no need for that in my mind because I am not really publishing it and there is not need to have every grammatical error fixed and accounted for, just enjoy where this train of thought leads your brain athinkin and hope you have your own feeling of expressing your opinion. Good day and see you when I see you.)

It seems that a new thought has arrived in my head and needs further thought and a more critical thought that I believe can only be obtained in the process of writing. Now then since I have gone throughout my whole education as a gifted student and that in my high school I was in the school for advanced studies or as it is better known the SAS, I would have to assume that discussions in my classes between the students and the teachers were on higher levels then you would expect there to be in many normal classes; this being said in some of these discussions a full argument can occur by just stating something and having the students runt through the different justifications of the statement within their own head with no discussion between the two opposing persons with their individual statements. In my classes there were two teachers that both contented their subject was of the utmost importance, both being overzealous individuals of their particular subjects; these teachers seemed to live and thrive off of their respected subjects. One of these teachers was a man by the name of Leigh Clark, or as a student must address him Dr. Clark, which out of respect I will address him, he being an English teacher; the other teacher is a man by the name of Daniel Perez, or Mr. Perez, out of respect I will address him as such, he was a Mathematics teacher. Although my favorite subject is Mathematics and I rather enjoyed my class with Mr. Perez more then that of Dr. Clark I will try to make this argument with little or no personal opinion as possible and try to give as much evidence to support my claim as possible, but given that this is an argument it will be my opinion and as much as I would like to make it unbiased, there really is no unbiased argument.

Now the subject at hand is that in the course of the year it seemed that some student had sparked the discussion as to which subject was better, this student I have forgotten and who they are is insignificant for this argument. Now both of these teachers have stated that their subject is more important and that they both can prove it in their own terms. Now they both had brought up good points as to why their subject was better but their support and evidence I have either forgotten or in my own thought over the subject I have merged into my own opinion.

To begin this discussion I must tell you that I am in agreement with my Mathematics teacher in that Math is more important but, I must in all fairness discuss thoroughly why I believe this and I feel that in order to do so I must first share the importance of English.

English, well to better put it the subject must be clarified, although we are discussing English I cannot just have the subject so narrow as to one language so I will discuss language in itself. Language is what Dr. Clark defended as the most important aspect of life and the world, the most important subject. I do not doubt that language is a fundamental part of human society in fact without it we would have no society. Language necessity is vital to our existence. Language offers us humans the most basic need for proper and complex transference of information between one another. With it we can discuss the very abstract and the very simple. In its very broad sense it is simply the very way in which we relay information to one another. That is what language is, the ability for a people to communicate to each other in a coherent enough manner to relay information that is both miniscule and vital. Through language the complex and simple are very easily transferred from person to person, who of course, have to have close to the same amount of understanding of language or that particular language.

So again in all its glory language is simply a form of communication, in actuality it is communication; any form of communication can be interpreted as a form of language and thus here is the beginning of an argument that was brought up as to why Mathematics is a lesser subject. It was said that math cannot be explained without the use of language and the information obtained through mathematical principles cannot be conveyed without language and this I say is true. For us humans Mathematics can only be useful through Language and so it would seem that Language deserves top honor over Mathematics; but to me this is a mistake, it is only seen this way because the person who would make this argument is looking at Math through a limited scope. If English can be broadened out to Language and any form of communication can be interpreted as a language then how far are we to push the interpretation of what math encompasses.

To me there is only one way to think of this, since language is so generalized then when bringing math into the discussion we cannot simply look at math as a subject in school or a part of an experiment but in its broadest sense. Math in itself is the very code of the universe, and in the classroom we only discuss certain aspects of the “code of the universe” such as algebra, physics, calculus and other subjects in mathematics. All these just help give us an understanding of the relation of gravity (if I knew how to write the math equation out for gravity and other laws in mathematics I would), objects, and other variables in our universe. Math in the sense as we know it in school is only the tip of the iceberg when trying to understand mathematics in its truest sense and math in the lab and in experiments are only there to gain a further understanding of the “code of the universe.”

So mathematics goes beyond anything we can fathom, it is the very building blocks of everything that is in existence and ever will be. The math subjects we study are only the humans current understanding of what, why and how this happen in our universe. Math in the form of physics is how stars were born, how the galaxy was formed how the universe itself was formed, and how you yourself were formed. Just because we do no understand or can properly form our own interpretation as to why certain events happen doesn’t mean there isn’t some form of mathematical principle behind it. As one of my friends said, Jeff Gomez, there is no such thing as random, if you were to through a die in the air and the out come was to be “random,” there is a way to know what the outcome is exactly. If you were to freeze that die in air and calculate the velocity of the die, the air resistance, amount of force on impact with the ground, the exact level of the ground, take into account gravity and whatever forces are in existence you can calculate exactly what face that die was to land on, so in actuality there is no such thing as random, it is just so complex and difficult to take into account all of those variables that we just label it, through the use of language, as “random.”

Now to finish my argument, language is a necessity to us humans and any other form of life in order to build a society or any other complex way of life. Language is there for our communication need and is necessary, but even without language and without humans math is still there and is still necessary. The “code of the universe” is what rules over everything, it is the reason the earth orbits the sun, the moon orbits the earth, why your feet stay planted on the ground, and how you are in existence, math is not a subject alone it is the great how, how the universe works and how this whole plane of existence we are on thrives and continues on its path.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Not Quite up to the Challenge

This is my log for my own sleep deprivation experiment, i didn't stay up for nearly as long as i wanted to but for the first attempt i think i did pretty well. I will try again later and hopefully i can stay up longer and get better results.

The experiment lasted roughly 28 hours. So i was awake for 28 hours straight. Right now i am running on 3 hours of sleep. So in the past 34 to 36 hours i have been asleep for 3 of those hours. I feel asleep at the 28 hour mark and after three hours i woke up again and haven't fell back to sleep. But the time rested in those 3 hours has made my experiment invalid so i must stop the experiment and wait alittle to fully recover and begin again.

this is my log:

Sleep deprivation log.

Day 1: okay so this is my first day in my own sleep deprivation experiment. Well actually I have been awake for about 10 to 12 hours already and have decided that I will now begin my experiment. There are no major motor function disruptions yet and there are no hallucinations, although that occurs after 3 or 4 days of sleep deprivation so there would be little chance that I would experience that. I am having some trouble typing but I think that is because I don’t type often. So now lets see where this take me.

As of now I have really done nothing in the day except I cleaned around the house a little I watched the NBA playoff game and I made cookies… they tasted pretty goooood.
(time was roughly 1:30 a.m. sat)

For now I will test myself for my cognitive ability by playing the game text twist which is a game that tests vocabulary. So my average score now is 4980 at time 2:00 a.m. out of five games.

Just reporting in, it is the hour 16, assuming, that I have been in this experiment. I know Jeff has told me to do a video log because of loss of motor skills and such but I only plan to do 4 days. I don’t feel like pushing it to the limit anytime soon, the only reason I am doing this is to experience the hallucinations. I think I will be doing more damage to my body and brain then taking a hallucinogen.

Yahoo game test score at 16 hours. Average score of 5: 3224; I seem to already be dropping. Oh well lets see if the trend continues.

Nearing on hour 20 or so I begin to think that maybe hallucinations caused by lack of sleep are somehow related to the need to dream. Maybe the dream center of the brain, our memories and whatever else consist of making a dream a dream are overactive in conscious person who does not allow them to release or relax, whatever be the case. If we try to deprive ourselves of sleep maybe those centers of our brain demand that they have their time so the visions we would normally see in a dream we would see when we are awake and we would call these abstractions and flutters of reality hallucinations….

Day 2: I am, what I have to believe is my second day, well I’m just starting it. By my own estimations I have been awake for 24 hours. Thought is alittle slowed but my motor skills don’t seemed impaired. Typing is still really easy although there is numbness and slight “tingly” feeling in my arms. I cannot lay down because I begin to drift in and out. I have to either be sitting or standing and remaining active. If I begin to slow my pace I feel like sleeping. I have already reached the point where I want to stop and then sleep for a good 2 to 3 hours or more. I am trying to fight it but I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this experiment. I know I can go at least another 12 hours. I have a very unusual hunger pain. It is almost a sleepy hunger. As I feel hungry I feel sleepy but when I put something in my gut, even something small like a banana I feel more awake.

Yahoo game test score at 24 hour. (YGT 24) 1812.my vision tilted while playing the game so I think the sleep deprivation is really starting to effect me. It just occurred to me that some of the levels of the game are not scored the same or have the same amount of points possible so a control test is necessary after I get a good amount of sleep

Hour 28, it seems that I do not have the will to do this experiment, I think I need to build my self up to 4 days in time. I have never before attempted to stay awake for longer then 18 hours and I beat that by 10 hours. I say its over because I just woke up from a sleep I just toke. I fell asleep about an hour or 2 ago and so by my estimation I was most likely awake for 26 to 28 hours.
I only experienced numbness in my muscles and a loss of clear thought. Hopefully when I try this again I can stay up a little longer.